Emotional Self-Mastery – Overcoming Resentment through Forgiveness


Resentment Keeps You CagedI have discussed forgiveness here on many occasions, however just talking about forgiveness without giving insight to the effects non-forgiveness has warrants a deeper understanding of how truly forgiving someone frees us to experience all of L.I.F.E. (Living in Full Expectancy – of all our good.)

When we have been wronged we process the pain and hurt and internalize it because it becomes deeply personal.  This crystallizes in our experience as resentment.

Resentment is a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.  It is deep-rooted bitterness.  It is internalized and deeply buried anger that controls your emotions, cements your beliefs, enrages your ego and even contorts your facial expressions and body language.resentment.contorts.face

Someone once said that the effects of resentment are like burning your house down to catch a mouse.  Resentment controls all your actions through a belief system that is formulated on the injury or pain that is buried so deep it creates a life filled with misery and bitterness.  It evokes actions based on retaliation in situations that may not even be related to the incident that originally caused the injury.   The more we think about how we have been wronged, the deeper we fall into feelings of resentment, misery and despair.

Sitting contemplating the injustices is an instant replay of the wrong doing which generates deeper feelings of anger and hurt that continue to drown your joy and strangle every opportunity to experience true happiness in life.

Resentment is anger that is not expressed, thus it only damages the one harboring it not the one that generated the pain.  By holding on to resentment toward another we create a barb wired binding us to the person or condition that hurt us, generating an emotional link that is strong enough to control all our thoughts and actions for years if we do not move to confront our own egos to regain our own mental and emotional health.  Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve this link and free yourself to LIVE YOUR POWER.

Through forgiveness we release negative emotions and mental pain that keeps us trapped in misery and despair.  It is not truly about the other person at all.  Forgiveness is an inside job.  If you were the one wronged there is no need to ask the other person to forgive you.  They have no idea that you are holding feelings of anger and resentment against them.  Forgiveness is truly a method designed for your own healing. It catapults you into the success of your own life as you begin to move forward again with an open heart.

To forgive means to give in advance.  It is giving love in advance of love given with the knowing that you are releasing the other person to live freely and fully their own life journey while you are now free to live yours.

Forgiveness does not mean you will forget the act that hurt you. It means you willfully choose to move forward and NOT allow the pain from the experience to control you.  The remembrance of the incident is a teaching tool that allows you to avoid future issues and the understanding of how to heal yourself from them if they do happen.  Pain is part of the life journey, it is a warning tool that indicates we are going the wrong direction.  So if you continue to experience hurtful feelings from a particular situation or incident you are on the wrong path, the path called misery instead of the path called joy.

Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds
on the heel that has crushed it.

~ Mark Twain

How to Overcome Resentment – Gaining Emotional Self-Mastery

You have to release the feelings of being upset, annoyed, and wronged, which control your thoughts.  The energy must be released in order to set you free.  It is the key to mental freedom.   Random thoughts of pain and resentment keep our mind in a constant battle making it nearly impossible to overcome anything. Therefore, we need to first find peace within ourselves.

Resntment Grips your Soul1.  Observe your feelings

The first step is to observe what you are feeling.  It can be an injustice you experienced many years ago or one just yesterday.  We have to go deep into our own emotions and feelings to root out the resentment and anger.  By identifying these feelings we become aware to what our ego will do and the measures it will go to protect itself.

When our ego is hurt it will go to great extents to make us feel justified by making us victims in the situation dependent upon a rescue from the person that offended us in the form of an apology; and when we don’t get it we then feel it necessary to go into attack mode.  This can be quietly played out through actually taking action to retaliate or through subtle emotions such as gritting our teeth or rolling our eyes or other body language.  This is our instincts moving into survival mode through our natural response. It is our defense mechanism moving into place to defend the ego from attack.  It is our natural instinct to survive and protect our own ego-driven pride.

Once we  feel we were wronged in some way we move  deeper into resentment by allowing the anger to become infused.  We then demand some form of justice while we drown ourselves in thoughts of how we’ve been wronged digging a deeper trench of misery and despair.

The first step to overcome resentment and be able to move into forgiveness is to understand what and how you are feeling.  Touch it and agree with it!  FEEL it Fully!  Shout in your private space.  Scream if you have to. Get a mirror and stand in front of it and say everything that you feel and get it out in the open so that you can begin the healing process.  You have to agree with the pain in order to resolve it.  You have to know it and then it will pass on through you.  Don’t allow it to just sit there and fester inside of you.

EXERCISE:

  • Express and Feel all of  your emotions in your own inner space to get negative emotions out.
  • Journal your feelings – truthfully document everything you are feeling.  Write it out to get it out.
  • Physical exercise clears the mind.  Run, workout in a gym, hike, bike, box, swim. Exercise is very effective in releasing negative/toxic energy and recharging you as you generate endorphins.
  • Meditation – get still and quite and breathe.  The breathe is the LIFE force.  Breath in new energy and excel all that is negative.  Feel the new breath refresh every part of your being as each cell is recharged.  Relax and focus on your breath.
  • Practice gratitude – Move your mind to find the heart center of every situation.  Find gratitude for negative situations by seeing them as a learning tool that catapults you into higher and higher levels of awareness.  Gratitude moves you to the threshold of forgiveness.

2.  See it from the other side of the fence

Put yourself in the other person’s place and try to feel what they were feeling, or see what they were seeing that made them take action or reaction in the way they did that hurt you.  Find a place that resolves within you a comfortable reason why this happened.  Look within yourself and find what you may have done or didn’t do that could have resulted in the situation.  Note if the other person may have felt offended first generating their natural response to their own wounded ego.

This will give you some form of clarity to base a reasonable understanding on why this situation took place originally. It puts you in the other person’s shoes to see it through their eyes, thereby gaining insight to the fact that maybe the other person is just as hurt as you are.  This exercise alone helps you to begin the healing process by building a bridge of love that eases your feelings as you begin to have more insight into the situation.

This lays the foundation for you to begin to deeply forgive the other person and yourself so that you are free to move forward.

EXERCISE:

  • Take mental charge – Move yourself out of a victim mentality by knowing you are in full control of everything you think and do.  You have the POWER to live your life how you see it and do not have to suffer through resentment or anger.
  • Know your ego is not in charge you are.  You do not have to wait for someone to recognize your greatness.  KNOW it for yourself and allow love to move you through all negative experiences.  Exercise love for self and then love and respect for others knowing they are living their own life journeys and on their own paths.  Allow it to Be and LIVE YOUR POWER in your L.I.F.E.

youdeservetobefree-forgiveness-drdivaverdun3.  Be Responsible

By being responsible for our own feelings and emotions we move into a state of self-mastery.  We know what made us feel a certain way and we understand why another felt the way they did.  We are then free to own up to why we acted or reacted a certain way that generated the issue and the feelings we are then experiencing.

To be responsible means we have moral character and are accountable for all we have done.  This takes deep reflection and the ability to overcome the ego that always feels it was done so many grave injustices, which sparks it to take defensive action.

Being responsible means you can move to a place of peace and understanding and acceptance for your own actions that may have added to the blight of a situation.

EXERCISE:

  • Reflect on the problem – What brought you so much pain and look for your own errors in the situation
  • Recognize other people may be in pain – Resolve to find a place that accepts that the other person may be attacking out of their own painful experience
  • Don’t take it personal – You may have little to really do with the full magnitude of the situation. They may be striking out from their own internal state of resentment, misery and despair.  Understand that they may be experiencing frustration and emotional disturbances that have traumatized them making it impossible for them to communicate rationally, let alone be considerate of your feelings.  They may be in such a deep-seated state of frustration and emotional disturbance that they have lost the capacity to communicate rationally and with consideration of your feelings.
  • Acceptance, compassion & understanding – Accept and understand that it is OK for others to have negative feelings or thoughts towards you.  Stay in your own truth and continue to take responsibility for your own actions allowing others the same freedom to so-called “lose it” as you do.  Give into peace and let it go.

4. Forgiveness

“Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison
and expecting the other person to die.“
~ Unknown

Now that we have moved through all of the above we are now ready to release it all through forgiveness and it will come naturally.  We are now moving in self-mastery and allowing others to just be who they are, understanding that everyone is entitled to “lose it”

Life is to short not to be fully savored.  Through forgiveness we give love in advance and willfully choose to move forward allowing all to just Be as we take responsibility for our own feelings, actions and emotions.  We now allow others the opportunity to be free in their own expressions even when they may seem or feel hostile.  We don’t take it so personal because we choose to move freely into higher levels of our own experience and use the situation as a learning tool to continue to climb to greater heights in our own lives.

Does this mean it is easy?  NO!  Does this mean it will happen immediately?  NO!  Does this mean we will forget?  NO! Does this mean we allow people to treat us poorly?  NO! 

Forgiveness is a gradual process of releasing negative energy and negative thoughts to heal your own inner space.

What it means is we elect to move in a state of mastery to control our own thoughts, feelings and emotions for our own greater good regardless of whatever happens in our experience.

EXERCISE:

  • Release it in a flame – Light a candle and look into the flame and imagine the fire burning out all your pain.  See the flame warm your heart so that you can feel the love well up inside of you as you release this love upon yourself.  LOVE YOU!  LOVE YOU DEEPLY NOW and KNOW you are never separated from LOVE because IT dwells within you.
  • Move to forgive yourself for thoughts of revenge, retaliation, grievance, anger and resentment.  Look into the flame and allow it to burn them away.
  • Close your eyes and mediate upon the peace that surpasses all understanding. See the quite in your soul.  Now send this peace to the other person and see them well and whole.  Seed love into their experience and allow them to just go and grow on their life path.
  • Meditate on the JOY of the new expression of self and see the warmth of love melting away the walls that were raised as your face lights up with a huge smile for the newness of L.I.F.E. you are now experiencing.
  • Now tell the person or persons that hurt you that you love them and forgive them silently in your heart.

“Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all resentments, grievances and regrets. I choose the miracle.“ ~A Course in Miracles:

Take the steps to move in forgiveness.  It is the forgiving of self first and the overcoming of our personal pain that allows us to love others right where they are so that we can move into the fullness of JOY in our own L.I.F.E.

Live your POWER and manifest your DREAMS!

Namaste!

Diva

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17 thoughts on “Emotional Self-Mastery – Overcoming Resentment through Forgiveness

  1. Reblogged this on Dr. Diva PhD Online and commented:

    Through forgiveness we release negative emotions and mental pain that keeps us trapped in misery and despair. It is not truly about the other person at all. Forgiveness is an inside job. If you were the one wronged there is no need to ask the other person to forgive you. They have no idea that you are holding feelings of anger and resentment against them. Forgiveness is truly a method designed for your own healing. It catapults you into the success of your own life as you begin to move forward again with an open heart.

  2. I was raped when I was 18. I am 50 and I am just now realizing my part in what happened. I put myself in a vulnerable place. I saw the red flags and went towards them. I watched my Dad abuse my mother and I realize that I have a part in everything that has happened to me. I was date raped again three years ago. I again saw the red flags. I am going to therapy and realize that the red flags are a warning of danger. I no longer see the red flag and say that looks interesting, let me go see what that is about. I found that when I realized that I had a role, I got some of my power back and I am no longer a victim. When I pray for them and wish for the things that I want for myself, I feel more peaceful. I realize that retaliation is not for me but for God. I can look at the peditors and see that they are broken people, abandonement issues both of them, abuse, being raised by sisters because both your parents died by the time he was in the 8th grade, the other had a mother who was a doormat and watched her son be verbally and physically abused. I see them as sad individuals who live out the pain of there past in the present.

    I have a good couselor that holds me accountable for my part. I also will be in debt to him for ever but he still sees even though I have not paid my co-pay in months. He is the best counselor that I have ever known. I did not see my role and was giving all the power to these two men.

    I have recently written the man who raped me three years ago and said that I forgave him. He said “believe it or not I hope you are doing well”. He has had to live with what he did. He has had some consequences. I had him do volunteer work at a womens domestic violence shelter. Do reading about verbal abuse and how it leads to violence. He also paid for some of my counseling, not all of it because I have to take my part.

    1. Thank you for sharing such an intimate and personal story of your pain and your healing and transformation. You are stepping into a new state of awareness and beginning to use your pain to grow into a new light of living. I send you peace and love in this moment. Receive it! Breathe deeply right now and receive the blessing I send you precious ONE!

      Hugs!

      Diva

      1. Thank you. The more I look at the other persons perspective, the better I feel, the more I understand where they came from and their childhood, the more I feel great sorrow for them. I also feel better. I still have resentment but through your article I have tools to deal with it. I am in counseling and what I realize is that I came from an abusive home where my mother was abused, My part is being passive finding those red flags interesting rather than running from then. Today at my counseling, I realized if I would have been male I would have probably been the abuser. I have taken my power back by remembering my role. I saw the red flags and did not run or protect myself.

        Thank you again!

  3. I think this is a wonderful article… an excellent piece of self-help literature,
    Thank you very much for writing it, it speaks to me much more than all the other articles I’ve read on the same subject.

  4. What do you do when the cause of your bitterness and resentment is ongoing? I’m trying to see the positive in my relationship with my boyfriend and support him as he goes through therapy to try to change the behaviors that cause my resentment. Meanwhile, it is hard to feel close to him and love and forgive him when he is still causing me pain. I can follow this author’s advice for past resentments much more easily than for present and future injustices.

    1. Judy, resentment is deeply lodged anger. It is anger that has been turned within. To overcome this anger you have to be willing to forgive and let go. To have freedom and joy you must change the thoughts that you are allowing to camp out in your mind. You must determine you want to be free of these feelings and sit alone to contemplate your feelings both on the surface and the ones that go much much much deeper. When we begin to explore the issues we are having that are causing us resentment with someone else we find that it comes down to being angry with ourselves for allowing things to happen to us. When we fully understand that relationships are mirror reflections of what is going on deeply within us, we begin to become fully aware of our own junk that we are putting out as well. If we are so deeply hurt from previous relationships or even from childhood we tend to allow people to treat us a certain way and end up in a codependent relationship in which we find ourselves suffering through the experience wishing for change over actually living our lives in the wonder and amazement of L.I.F.E.

      Resentment and bitterness can only be on going because you have not determined to find within that which is causing you the deepest pain. When you sit and meditate and contemplate on peace and freedom within you will find that what you are experiencing has more to do with you than it does with the other person. Once you find the truth that is buried in this experience the situation that has caused the pain suddenly begins to evaporate. Once we get the lesson, there is no reason to continue taking that particular class. We get a passing grade and the expeirence goes away. If we are not aware and open to what is going on within us we will continue to blame the other person for our experience. Even if they are a factor in the decision we make, they did not force us to make the decision we made that got us into the problems we are suffering from.

      Sit and contemplate the deeper truth in this experience. Once you find the lesson that brings you into the fullness of who you are in this experience, you will feel peace overcome you as you relax and let go of this experience in love and forgiveness naturally. As long as you are unwilling to do the necessary mental surgery and step into the place of true forgiveness (which means to give in advance) the cycle of bitterness and resentment will continue to erode your soul until you take the time to work on yourself to find the necessary answers that bring peace and restore harmony, joy and love in your L.I.F.E.

      I am sending you a blessing right now. Breathe Deep and feel it! Feel the air leave your lungs and carry away the anger, hostility, bitterness and resentment right now in this moment. Feel it!

      Blessings precious ONE!

      Namaste!

      Diva

      1. Thanks for the blessing and in depth reply. I keep reading this article and am working daily to implement your advise.

      2. Judy,

        You are the inspiration for today’s message. Please feel free to partake of the article today and the prayer treatment on Anger POWER! It is about how you can use the anger you have to move into a new presence of being. This message was inspired by your being so vulnerable in a public format to share your challenges with resentment. Just go to the home page here and you will see today’s prayer treatment and underneath it the article on Anger Power! Suggest you read the article first and then read the prayer. There is a link to the prayer at the bottom of the article.

        I know and see your healing. FEEL IT!

        I love you; receive the peace in your BEING!

        Diva

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