Why is it we spend so much of our time trying to figure out why someone does not love us? The answer to this question is wrapped deeply in various levels of low self-esteem and the lack of self-confidence to the extent it reeks of codependency. Relationships are such a huge web of intricacies it is hard to begin at any one point to unwrap the issues you may be experiencing because they are all connecting as one point or another. However, the motivation to have a relationship sizes up the base of the problems that one is experiencing when it comes to matters of the heart.
If you are worried about why someone does not love you, treat you or spend time with you the way you want them to, then some deep contemplation must be done on the motivations you have to be in a relationship with the person vs. their motivations to be in a relationship with you. To have a working and bonding relationship both people have to want it and both people have to be committed to doing the work. Relationships don’t work, you do. You work at getting along and fusing your commitment to each other, as well as understanding each others dreams and needs to be both independent and interdependent.
Sitting and wondering why not or if you are loved in a relationship equates to the answer you are already in denial about. There can be no love there when you have to wonder if love exist, so you already intuitively know the answer to the question you are contemplating and torn over. Love begins with love of self and through love of self you are never worried or in fear of not receiving enough love because you are grounded in love itself. There may not be a true foundation for the relationship to be grounded in sharing love. For there to be bonding love and understanding in a relationship, both parties must come to the table as whole and complete people. When you are fractured and expecting the other person to love you into being whole, you are going into the relationship wounded. You are not offering all of yourself and worse you are placing an undue burden on the other person to fix you by showering you with your idea of what love looks like over allowing the relationship to BE what it is.
Asking the question why he/she doesn’t or won’t love me is a selfish set up. It means you do not love yourself and you are expecting the other person to stop their L.I.F.E. and fix you. It means you are not into the relationship to offer yourself as the best you are. You are in the relationship to take from it what you think you need.
No one will love you more than the equal measure you love yourself. In order for there to be a healthy bonding relationship you must begin to look at your own codependency issues. Begin to contemplate questions that prompt your healing. Ask yourself why do you feel neglected and abandoned in your relationships? Why do you feel the need to be with someone who mistreats you or talks down to you? Why do you want to be with someone who you have to school or chase? Why do you feel the need to be attracted to people who really don’t want to be with you? Why do you want to force a relationship that is not really working? Why do you feel that because you have certain feelings for a person that they must be mutual? You have to sit and isolate all of these questions in your own mind. You have to sit and understand why you have the need to care-take and control the relationship over accepting it for what it is. You must sit and deal with your own emotions first and begin to isolate the difference between love and romantic fantasy so that you can begin to pull yourself together and heal into your own wholeness.
Through self-love we are empowered to self-confidence, and we come into the understanding that Love is a constant in the Universe. It is not something we find when we fall in love. Falling in love means we have done just that. We have fallen into the fantasy of love. It is the ecstatic feelings that cause us not to be able to eat, think, sleep or be away from the other person. However, at some point the romantic fantasy will erode away and we are left with our true feelings. It is at this time we must face the truth and know that LOVE IS a Constant in the Universe.
Love is a factor that exist within us as us and if we are engaged in the right relationship it connects seamlessly to the other person leaving no room for doubt, fear and tension. It emerges from romantic fantasy as the champion that bonds the friendship we have with another person as we continue to grow in deeper understandings of each other. It opens us up to take the deeper risk to be vulnerable to be who we authentically are and allow the relationship to naturally evolve into what it is meant to be. It also means we are willing to work to keep the romantic fire burning so that passion is not drained away by the everyday stresses of the world. It means we are not so vested in hearing the words “I love you” as much as we are in the demonstrations of love that we share with each other.
Relationships are a very slippery slope and so complex because of the expectations we place on the other person to heal our fractured souls. No one can heal you but you, and no one can love you more than you love yourself. When you begin to operate in the process of self-love and self-mastery you begin to take control of the negative thoughts that dictate lack of love in your experience and you begin to go to work loving yourself knowing that the more you invest love in self, the more love is manifest in your experience and in your relationships.
So the next time you find yourself asking the question “Why doesn’t he/she love me?”, begin to take immediate action loving yourself first. Through self-love you will discover if the relationship is real or not and you will be OK after a time to move forward with an open heart to allow true love to manifest in your experience. Remember, it is always done unto you as you believe. If you are asking questions based on doubt and fear, this is what you truly believe and as a consequence what will continue to manifest in your experience. Self-love is vital to change this equation to produce the results you desire in your relationships.
When you love yourself, you automatically multiply the love you experience in your L.I.F.E. Love is a constant in the Universe. It is unmoving and never-ending. Our emotions are volatile, we must exercise self-mastery to allow ourselves the necessary space to factor in our own motivations and the control measures we are placing on others to do for us the things we are not willing to do for ourselves.