Loving Emotionally Unavailable People - Dr. Diva Verdun

Loving Emotionally Unavailable People

Many people have a hard time connecting emotionally.  They simply are afraid of intimacy or may not be emotionally capable of being intimately connected to the people they love. There is little you can do to help anyone that is emotionally unavailable, because they must deal with their own pain and barriers so that they can become open again to allow love to flow freely in their experience.

Emotionally unavailable people range from those that are in multiple relationships, to those that are simply fractured and trying to avoid being hurt again, even though they may truly want to be involved with the person they love.  You cannot love your way into getting them to open up to you. They have to move through their own fears and pain to be available on their own. Sadly many relationships suffer the consequences, either becoming codependent shells for both people to co-exist or the two separate.

Emotionally unavailable people do not intentionally want to hurt the people they love.  In many cases they are not even aware that the things they do hurt others when they do them, because they are simply allowing their natural protective reflexes to control their emotional behaviors.  They may have grown up in dysfunctional systems that have taught them that they are supposed to suppress their emotions and find it difficult to know how to deal with their feelings to develop a mutually bonding and loving relationship; even when they are totally in love with the person they are with.

Finding yourself continually attracted to emotionally unavailable people presents a signal, or red flag, that you may have some emotional issues to work on as well.  You will find that the excitement of the chase period during dating becomes a game of cat and mouse in an effort to step into a fully loving experience.  You may continue to get in one relationship to find yourself in another one, while blaming the other person for not recognizing your feelings.  However, by looking at the previous relationships and the people who were not there for you emotionally, you may be able to find the mirror reflection that directs you back to a deeper emotional issue that you may have buried deeply within yourself and be totally unaware of.

Loving Emotionally Unavailable People - Dr. Diva VerdunTo be in healthy and mutually rewarding relationships, we cannot put the blame of failure, lack of intimacy and love on our partners.  What we are experiencing in the relationship is exactly what we drew into our experience.  The Universe is always manifesting for us what we deeply believe on the deepest level of the subconscious mind.  So if we have deep abandonment issues, feelings of not ever being loved or wanted, or have been abused there is a healing process we must embark upon to fix ourselves to clear our own space, so that we can remove the unknown barriers we are putting up in the relationships we attract into our experience.

Healthy and loving relationships are desired by each and every person on the planet.  No one wants to be alone, but so many are fractured and suffering and have been living in this pain for so long that they are not even aware that they are on autopilot.  The responses to intimacy have become so suppressed that certain behaviors that make one emotionally unavailable are not even evident them. People  simply do not see themselves in this equation because they are to busy pointing blame at the other person they feel is not loving them. Attracting emotionally unavailable people into your experience is a direct mirror reflection that points to the pain one must heal within themselves.

The love you seek may be there in a relationship with a person that is emotionally unavailable, but until both people are willing to move past the barriers to address the issues and pain within, there is no bridge for the love you both have for each other to travel. You both are there loving each other, but your fears and pain from the deeply rooted scars of previous heartbreak, disappointments, abandonment, abuse and neglect prevent you both from growing deeper into the intimacy that you both so deeply desire to connect in.

It is not impossible to make an emotionally unavailable relationship work. Both parties must work to improve themselves first without pointing blame to the other person or falling into a codependent relationship by putting their own feelings on hold for the growth of the other.  It requires the commitment of both people to go deeper into their own issues and pain to resolve them within themselves individually, while working together to heal and bond their relationship.  It can be done!



Click here for a prayer treatment to begin moving in your own healing to be emotionally available.


11 thoughts on “Loving Emotionally Unavailable People

  1. I love this article. I have been through intensive therapy this past year to get emotionally healthy. One of the unfortunate repercussions of this is that it has highlighted my husband’s own emotional unavailability to me and his treatment of me is no longer acceptable. We are currently separated. It is the not outcome that I wanted for our marriage but I deserve to be happy and to create the life that I imagine and I cannot do that with my husband in his current state. I cannot change who he is. He needs to embark on the same journey as I but i do not know if he has the courage and commitment.

    Thank you

  2. I recently dated a man who had been married to a BPD woman for 7 years, separated for 2 yrs. A year before he met me, he had been in another relationship that lasted for a couple of months.
    We met online. Our chemistry and attraction was pretty intense and we started seeing a lot of each other very quickly. He was always the one pushing the relationship forward, asking where we stood, asking if we were exclusive etc, I never pushed for anything. Then about a month into dating, his mood changed dramatically and he became stressed about life and work. He said he was getting bad anxiety and panic attacks, and he wasn’t in a place where he could date anyone. Around this time his BPD ex also got back in touch and he got wrapped up again in her drama and suicide threats. I gave him space but offered him friendship, even though he said I was better off without him. He accepted my friendship and thanked me for my support.
    Since then he would seek out my company only in situations where we would never be alone and I could not really speak to him. Otherwise he avoids me and making plans with me like his life depended on it. Then I found out he was back on online dating. I got really mad at him and sent him a very abusive email, which I later regretted and apologised for. He replied to my msg, reiterating that he couldn’t date anyone but not explaining why he was back online. We agreed to not speak for a while, and he said he does like me and that I still have his friendship and respect.
    I’m still hurting immensely but each day gets better. I guess it was easier for him to just start again with someone who didn’t know his baggage ad he could pretend to be bright, happy and charming with. After reading your blog I now understand what was happening to him and to me. I’m glad he didn’t drag it out with me and had the decency to walk away because I wouldn’t have.

  3. This was an eye opener. I have been involved with an emu man for a year. Its a roller coaster… I am close to walking.

    Everything comes before me. I never know when or if I will see him again. I feel he has others. Its tough. Our contact has grown but now we see each other less. He is overly committed to his son and parents. Never see him on weekends hardly or holidays. I keep telling myself.. he is close. Nope..we used to see each other weekly…now I have seen him 2x in 2 months.

    But as the mirror affect….my Father committed suicide when I was 5. I never dealt with that pain. My mother and I never talked about it. I have suppressed it for years. So…I guess I am emu in ways. But I don’t feel as if I am. I feel I have a huge heart and would do anything for those around me. When I do get to see my guy… things are fabulous…but very one sided. We talk about everything.. he has really opened up….just not about us. The most I have gotten is…well I do like you.

    It hurts…he is my dream guy. We get along so well…except when it comes to feelings and emotions. I just don’t know how much more I can take. But every time I walk away..he comes back…he likes the chase. I can tell it bothers him when I go out some times…but he won’t commit…hell he won’t even see me. He says I am so busy with my sons sports. Which OK I get it…but if he would bring me around family and friends…problem solved. But that hasn’t happened.. after a year.

    Dunno… 😦

    1. Sorry about delayed response. I took some personal time for my birthday.

      As for the issues you site. 1st realize that all you are going through emotionally is by choice. Here’s the catch, the choice is fear. Fear of loosing a man that does not value you. Know that whatever is for you is for you and no matter how far and distant it is away from you it will return to you if it is yours and meant for you. We settle into a need to be with a certain person because of fear of loss. Fear that we may loos love. Fear that we are not enough. Fear that we are not seen. Fear that we have not done enough to make them want us. Fear of abandonment. Fear of competition from the other woman/man. Its all fear related. When we trust ourselves and value ourselves we can let the person that does not value us go and leave them to their own experience. We can then use what we have learned from being with them to do self-evaluation as you have already shared you are now doing.

      We attract certain types of negative or challenging people into our experience because somewhere on a deeper level there are issues we need to become aware of and resolve so that we are able to move forward into the joy of living. A year is actually not that long of a period of time in comparison to a lifetime. If you love someone you must release them to be who they are and where they are. If they love you and want to be with you they will adjust and adapt their own experience to make sure that you are a part of their lives.

      Relationships are onesided when we believe that the person we are dating is seeking a long term relationship. They may not. They may simply be seeking companionship as they work through their own pain and issues. To assume that we have a long term relationship because of sexual relations, or because we want one with another person does not mean that they want one with us. Allow things to simply be as they are. Allow the other person to continue to explore and discover their own journey as you discover yours. Make a decision to grow forward and trust that all that is yours can never be taken from you no matter what. If it is for you it will find you. Note: This also means the next person that is seeking the perfect partner and has all the same interest and values as you do. Be open at the top and let go… meaning allow life to evolve through you.

      Love and Magic!!!


  4. What you wrote in the second paragraph describes me. And I think it is hurting two of the people I love most – my husband and my daughter. I would like to change that and make myself emotionally available again… how can I do that? Are there books I can read to empower myself?

    1. Julina,

      It takes great courage to see ourselves in the mirror. By reaching out you have begun your journey into the healing you seek.

      There are so many books available to read. There are so many authors, ministers, teachers etc… all are there to provide the nuggets of truth that will birth open your own Spirit. “This Thing Called You” is a great little book by Ernest Holmes that brings you back to the reality of who you are as Divine BEINGness. You will enjoy it.

      The key is in moving into the conscious awareness of your own truth and allowing yourself to release the fear and pain of rejection and abandonment. We cannot control love. It flows naturally because LOVE IS GOD, Spirit or whatever name you believe the Divine BEING to be. When we allow ourselves to be at-ONE-ment with LOVE, we are at peace with self and in love with self, knowing that Spirit lives at the very core of our own BEING as us.

      As you begin to move into the awareness of truth that you are ONE with Spirit you begin to let go of the ego and the need to control the love of others and allow it to freely simply BE expressed through you as you and returned to you through you. This means we do not attempt to control others by blocking or withholding love in any way. We simply are free to let our guards down knowing that nothing can hurt us because nothing can hurt God.

      It is our ego that is always in fear of being abandoned or not being recognized or loved. There is no such thing as not being loved because you are love in manifest human form. The ONE THING CONSTANT IN ALL THE UNIVERSE IS LOVE, BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE IS NOTHING BUT LOVE. IT IS NOT A FEELING OR EMOTION, IT IS THE VERY ESSENCE OF SPIRIT THAT BRINGS FORTH ALL THAT IS.

      LOVE IS YOU, and YOU ARE LOVE. Therefore, you are free to allow love to simply flow from you and back to you. Open your heart center and feel love emanating from you and allow it to be free to flow. It will always return to you more than you can emanate forward. It is how we grow. It is the fear of loosing or being hurt that brings back that which we fear itself.

      Love and Light precious ONE!


    1. The reflections you seek lie within you. Only you can find the similarities through the relationships you have been in. It may be seem to be a small thing, like each person you date has an issue of some kind with their mother. There was no mother, she was not emotionally available, or she abandoned or abused them. When you find the grain, you go back to the other relationships and find that same grain. Then you reflect within to find the grain that lives within you and you begin to allow it to surface so you can deal with it and resolve it within to grow into a new level of awareness and power. As you continue to refine yourself, you find your relationships become more refined and begin to reflect the new person you are growing into. Even if it is the same relationship it will improve and get better naturally without you putting a pulse on it to control the growth of the other person. Your focus is always on healing your own fractures, and as you do the fractures in relationships begin to disappear magically.

      Love and Light!


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